it was never me myself and i.
20100129
I’m not facing the whole world alone like many others, because we have family, we have friends. Who can say you are alone, like really alone. If you are, you must be blind, deaf etc. Those who cant see, who cant hear who cant whatever are so much better than you. I think I’m really fortunate that I have this omg so rare illness. Even the doctors in Thailand said I’m a rare species. Whoo~ I’m going to be extinct! I oways love to brag about my illness, because it’s the only thing that I know more than anyone else other than the cardiologist who checked on me. Plus we don’t get to see rare species walking around everywhere and everyday. We are special man! I’m so proud of that! It’s sometimes hilarious to actually see the expressions of people when I told them I have this illness. I mean it’s not the shock kind, it’s more like, are-you-for-real kind of face. There are many other expressions though. They always interest me and make me wanna start my engine with my OH WOW condition.
People with illness, people with something missing out of their lives, all these serves as encouragement, don’t they? So ya I might just be noble and inspire people, HOHOHO. Like that will happen? ha! But come to think about it, it really does. I mean, not me but other people. Look at those missing a leg, swimming for the Olympics. They make you cry, sure they are so poor thing but I think we the ones who are crying are poorer. They are so much happier with those smiles on their face. They fulfill their dreams and wth are we these good-for-nothings doing in our chair everyday msn-ing/blogging`. Yes I’m one useless chap, really I am!
Despite being useless, I did learn to look at things differently thanks to my “damaged” heart. Like how I don’t regret dying even if I might just get a fatal heart attack the following day. I’m well prepared everyday. My family would be sad but they will understand, since like it’s common for my case. Sometimes I think living is much worse than dying. Ok I know its bad to think that way. But I think although living for only 20 short years, I didn waste my life. I have been to places, I have studied, I did wad I love, design or arts. Although I didn’t do anything like wow remarkable but those little things add up to make me feel great. Life is about living happy anyways. Fortunately I did grew up, maybe, and learn that many people care for me and love me. Unlike last time I took everything for granted. I thought my parents were always bias towards other people and was never me. I might even smoke, drink, gamble or worse take drugs given my spoilt personality. It’s really sad that I have to learn, or maybe learn is the wrong word, grew to realize that my parents and many others love me. And not realizing it earlier, being a spoilt child, having my parents getting worried all over, crying for me etc.
I’m really blessed with my life! Imagine I have this bomb and fixing it realllllly cost a bomb, and I’m born in a family where I dont have to worry abt not having 3meals a day.
My mum, whom I was oways thought she only loves my brother when I was young. The person whom we all shld thank everyday not only on our birthday. She have live her life behind shadows of my granny, my dad. Listening to everything she was told to do and have to do. She never complained and never had the chance to do so. She was born in a family where politics almost suffocate her. The stress was leveled up when my dad was jobless and was later diagnosed with risk of heart failure. She coax her husband everyday without fail to get an operation. Hiding the truth from her husband tt her beloved daughter is getting an operation. She stayed with me every single day never leaving my side. After my operation, it was hell for me but it was even worse for her. She didn get any sleep at all. Her face shrunk, she lost more weight than I did. Her face was no longer red or pink, it was pale yellow. Every sound I made, she would stand up and check on me.
My dad worked hard under the sun, piling up sand just to earn every cent to provide for my family and I. he smokes everyday thinking why cant he quit so that those money can be save up for my family. The more he thinks the more he smokes. Thinking of money money and nothing but money so tt the bills are paid, my brother and I are able to study, my mum having pocket money for shopping. He hates vege, hates praying, hates chanting. He never fail to cry watching a sad love story. He almost fainted after I came out of the operating room, back in 2004. Though he wasn’t with me in Bangkok, for my 2nd operation, because he was too afraid, he did not cry. Instead he prayed, he chanted, he ate one whole day of vegetarian without complains.
My granny, whose already over 60 years old still worrying abt me and yet I oways talk back to her. She loves every single one of us more than she loves herself. She have joint problems yet she is willing and determined to walk the extra mile for her children and her grandchildren, esp me. She stayed with me every single day after my operation. Nagging and never stop nagging. I grew to get used to her nagging and strangely loving it. It’s a sign tt she is still healthy and will always be. She’s like a general leading us in doing good deeds, in turn better lives. I’m one example. She donated large amount of money in my name. I’m just a 20 year old!
My grandpa, whom I lied to. He wanted to tag along but he didn’t know about my operation too. And because of his weak heart, nobody dared to sound a word. Therefore we all came up with a pack of lies just to tell him I am fine, I m just going for the usual checkup etc. Then somebody let the cat out of the bag, unintentionally of course. So I had a long overseas phonecall with my grandpa. At the beginning he didn sound a word about knowing my situation. So I asked, “Gong gong, you know already isit?” He answered saying, “Ya! I know~ Bangkok very peaceful now no riots” etc etc. then I told him it isn’t about this matter, he then exclaimed, “YA! U lied to me!!!” I burst out in tears immediately and kept apologizing. Till now, I feel guilty over lying to an old man, my grandfather.
My brother, the sometimes, arrogant, unreasonable, fierce and over-protective member of my family, promised he would buy me a gift and so I must be strong and brave when I’m being pushed into the operating room. Crying in the army due to a phone call when he was training in tekong. Imagine those who don’t know the story, pin-pointing him, calling him a sissy. Always willing to give his share to me when he himself is already starving. Mop the floors, wash dishes, wash clothes, cook for the family. Although complains but never fail to do a good job. No matter how many times we always fought or quarreled, we always ended the cold war within 24 hours because he still loves his sister, also his mother and his father and everybody.
My godmother, praying everyday, saving not only my life, but many others. Giving her blessings to everyone and bearing the hardship all by herself. My 2nd uncle, earning yet giving much more so that hospital fees are paid, so that I have the chance to go pray in china. My aunts and uncles, whom I have no blood relation, took care of me when I was in Bangkok. Providing food, shelter, most imptly love and care. My family, friends, teachers, who prayed for me, who cared for me. Theres just way to many ppl I have to mention, THANK YOU ALL V V V MUCH!
This maybe old fashion but I’m still gonna say it. Like I said, it was never me, myself and i. Without these people, HOW M I GOING TO SURVIVE?!!!! I’m really blessed. Compared to those who suffered, I’m nothing. Although I’m “richer”, but I’m so much poorer than many others. They have no money and yet they have to work their ass off to keep themselves alive. They are richer in knowledge, richer in knowing how to take responsibilities etc. Sometimes I wonder, who am I in my past life. I must be a hell-ass freak doing all sorts of bad things, that’s why I got this rare thing in me, and yet what good thing I did after to make me meet so many wonderful people in my current life. This really is the greatest question mark I ever had. If only I knew, huh? Then I wont waste my time repeating this question to myself.
2:00:00 AM
your objectives
20100128
This post was written back in june09. When I just operated and was stuck at home. So I decided to write up this LONG LONG COMPOSITION. So treat it like its posted ard june. Ok?
I have missing out on a lot of things but of course, I am out of Singapore for like days. No, months! I can’t even type as fast right now. Lol! I’ll be crapping as usual, so if you dun wanna read my grandmother stories, please wait patiently for my picture spams in days to come ;] //warning-this is seriously freakin` long like super uber~ [5 pages!!!!] so stop here if u don’t wanna continue. Ok, I have returned as a changed person. I had an makeover, not exactly on my face but inner beauty, haha! My heart is all patched up! not that its broken because of some sad love story. Through this entry, I might land myself in deep shiat but who cares, we live in a democratic society, and I am only stating the facts anywayz. Facts and reasons, why Singapore is so much poorer in so many things. Or maybe just one thing, I cant find a word to describe this thing due to my limited vocab, so u figure our yourself.Many are bewildered why in the world I went to Bangkok for my opt. { I want a sex change, that’s y~ haha! } isn’t Singapore good enf? Singapore is definitely not good enf! They are only good at showing off those little things they did, those minor break through/s, being the first in Asia and bla blas. Wads the use of showing off when they had so much failures?! Those problems left unsolved. But on the other hand, who would admit these unstated failures, they will be labeled with dirty names. I’m one problem they left unsolved. I’m labeled as well, with such a profound name, Ebstein Abnomaly. LOL! A doctor once told me unborn babies detected with my case, in Singapore, are aborted str8away and stated as miscarriage. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?! Lucky I’m born in those olden days when I’m not being detected. Doctors also say people like me won’t survive 3-4months after birth, even if they did, they won’t last after 3 or 4 yrs old. Wads with the 3 and 4? I’M NOW 21 !!!!! or maybe 2+1=3, this is wad they mean. Addition to that, kids with heart problems are usually small sizes, like thin and short. Hello?~ although I’m not tall, TALL but I’m still over 160 near 170 ok~~~ argh! Thank my parents, families, those who love me for praying for me, and allowing me to grow to this date. THANK YOU THANK YOU!I was thrown around the hospitals of Singapore since born, born in a neighborhood hospital, put into the incubator, not because I’m premature, was later transferred to the government’s hospital, TTS. Where years, I have been a study material for doctors studying cardiology, yet for 15 years! There wasn’t any solution to me, this PROBLEM! {till now, there still isn’t any solution} I was just a little girl then, when everytime I went for my regular checkups, multiple doctors or interns, mostly males would surround me, and those things wad u call `em? Those thingys tt hang over doctors’ neck. So cold when it came contact with my skin. Then after, I got transferred again to KK hospital. And one day I fell ill, high fever which lasted for days already, my mum was so scared it would affect my heart, we went to KK so tt I could admit into the hospital, they said, I’m already over 16, I can’t stay in KK. WAD THE HELL?! I’M DYING ALREADY! Then one REALLY REALLY, I MEAN REALLLLLY good doctor hurried those nurses to get me an ambulance and took me to SGH. Those nurses, omygoodness, there is just no words to describe them. That’s the time when KK took the chance to “throw” me away. I asked my regular doctor who have been seeing me since born, he works in KK, why m I transferred. He said, really nicely though, you are too old already. Then I asked, then those other patients having heart problems like me, do they get thrown away when they are too old, like I did? He said, no, they have already recovered by then. I was like “WTH”! but this doctor who took care of me since young is really very nice, although he didn really did much or maybe just cos Singapore they dunno how to. Hmm. Wadever. This doctor was Professor Cheng, thats wad everybody greets him. He is really really nice. Ok that’s not wad this post is about. Let me continue.And so nothing was done, or even tried on me. It was only regular checkups which always conclude the same way. “No changes, you can go back now”. AND I’M PAYING MORE THAN 50 BUCKS every 6 months just to hear this shiat! So then, my godmother told me to visit the hospital in Bangkok, it’s the govt’s hosp actually. Doctors there are well-experienced and took care of the royal family. So I went for my first check up in Thai. It was interesting. Although the machines aren’t as advanced as Singapore, but doctors are sharper! My granny, who also have heart problem, did the check up with me, when both our ECGs got switched by the nurse. Then it was consultation time. The doctor examined me first when my granny was waiting outside. She listened to my heartbeat and observed the ECG. She was frowning, looking it extra carefully when she dashed out and questioned the nurse bla bla. Then my granny thought it was her turn, she came in with her file with “her” ECG then. The doctor returned and asked me to hold on while we wait for the nurse. Meantime, she checked on my granny. Then she realized both our ECGs got switched. I wonder will Singapore doctors do that? Or they just dun give a hack. Oh ya, FYI, checkups in Thailand [govt hospitals tt is] are FOC! Yet they are so detailed. OMGawd~I’m a regular of hospitals and comparing Singapore’s to Thailand’s, it’s basically hell and heavens apart. And I mean it! In hospitals, nurses always have to take your temperature and blood pressure etc regularly and usually these are the times when u are the most tired, when you are about to sleep, when you are about to have some quiet time, when you are the most vexed. Nurses in Singapore, they don’t give a damn, they just come in, swing the thermometer and expect you to just automatically open ur mouths and stick right into it. But in Thailand, they greet you first, tell you is temperature taking time, smiling! Then “ah” then put in inside ur mouth. They just sort of treat every patient like a baby. I mean I know I’m not a baby and should understand that this is just a small thing, why make it a fuss, right? But since it’s such a small matter, why can’t those nurses show some courtesy? They can’t even do such a small thing right, how can they do much bigger things? But I gotta emphasize not all nurses in Singapore are tt bad, there are still nice ones just that most of the time, I saw the bad. The nice things they do, its hmm, too minor to actually worth flashing back. Call me unlucky~ but do observe if *choy choy* by any chance u land urself in the hospital. I seriously would still prefer thai’s. I’m not being brainwashed ok but this is the fact. Hospitals are very expensive hotels and Singaporeans pay huge amounts checking into local hospitals and not getting the treatment they deserve. Whereas in Thailand, you pay a cheaper price but, you get first class service and you really do get some rest, you really do recover. Whereas, in Singapore, all you get is frustration and wanting to go home faster so maybe that’s why patients still do recover even though they aren’t very well taken care of. There’s this one time when I visited my Dad in hospital (Singapore). I was near the nurses’ station, when there are around 3 nurses, mostly females, and a doctor explaining the x-ray film to a patient. This is wad I saw, the doctor was trying so hard to explain to the patient, not because the patient couldn’t understand, it was because the nurses were TOO LOUD! Talking, chit-chatting and bla bla. Its so rude, & they still say patients need some rest, and u know wad, I was inside my father’s room and I could hear those nurses outside talking so loudly. & god their faces carry no smiles! Ya I know being a nurse is a hard-core job, but since u take up tt job, do it properly. To me those nurses are as if wearing those uniforms just for decoration, just for showing off! Since like nurses are very well~~-respected. Back to the checkups, checkups aren’t the only thing that is FOC, doctors in this particular hospital I live in, don’t get paid too. They sort of volunteer themselves. These are what you call doctors man. Not exactly those doctors you pay aren’t good, they are good if they really do check on you, tell you what to do, instead of just asking you wads the problem and then prescribe you with medicine when sometimes you don’t even get to know wads the cause of the pain. Wads the use of seeing the doctor when you only get medicine, you can be a doctor yourself when you have tons of medicine backup in your fridge. Sometimes I think is medicine that cause all these drama. Wad swine flu, SARS bla bla. My surgeon wasn’t paid a cent for operating on me, for advising me etc. The only thing my family had to pay was the hospital fees etc. But despite tt, my surgeon was like a father to me. He was a father to everybody else. You may think I’m exaggerating. But whatever~ During my first surgery back in 2004, he was also my surgeon, the number of times I see him was countable using my hands but everytime I see him, it sort of gave me the calm feeling, its like as though, oyay I will be fine. He doesn’t talk much but he speak good English! He was very serious actually and warned me not to gain too much weight, avoid this and that. And 2004 was the year I learn more about my own condition. Despite I was already 15, and other than knowing I have a heart problem commonly known as heart murmur, theres nothing more. This doctor, Dr Somthaij {this is the wrong spelling, sry I cant pronounce thai very well}, he spend like half an hour explaining to me then another half explaining to the rest of my family, and many following halfs to even more people. LOL! Wait! Do Singapore doctors do that?! NO! that’s why I only know my condition when I’m 15 ALREADY! Coming back, so this time, after I had my operation, after multiple hold backs, on 18June`09, I was pushed to the ICU. I woke up, without a thought, I asked the nearest nurse, I wanted water! & more water. Then my family came in 2 by 2 to see me. Then when it got later, my surgeon came to check on me and many of his other patients. I wasn’t the only one who he operated that day. But despite how tired he was, he stayed till pretty late. How would I know? Because it was already after midnight and I couldn’t fell asleep. He came to check on me multiple times, talk to me telling me how lucky I was when he opened up my heart and found this huge hole hiding behind my valve, and now it’s all patched up, valve fixed etc, when my doctor in Singapore told me, IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE TO FIX, I WAS FIXED, ok?! Ok, then my surgeon told me to get some sleep. When I couldn’t he told the nurse to gave me some sleeping pills instead because I seriously need some sleep, he said. But I know you are thinking, wth? Aren’t sleeping pills bad? But come to think about it, I’m in great pain and I have like tubes inserted in multiple areas of my body causing me to be stationary. Sleep is the best option right? Back in 2004, the day after my surgery, my surgeon was amazed by my speedy recovery and said I could get out of ICU. I’m telling you, ICU is HELL. U hear noises everywhere, you cant get sleep, sometimes u might even cry. Because you are not the only one suffering in this whole wide world. The little baby beside, caged in by the machines and tubes. The ever coughing old man, coughing so hard. You really will think how lucky you are that you can still hear and see all these things. So my surgeon got me out of ICU, its another hell after that {but I wont talk about it here }. Now in 2009, despite how late my surgeon stayed till, the day before, he got to the ICU early morning with many other doctors or interns and checked on everyone of us. He explained to his students each and every case etc. then after that he got me out of ICU first thing after his lecture. Back in my ward, this time, it was rather weird or maybe he knew my character as a lion, he became a lion as well. Or maybe he is one. He visited me the same day I was released from ICU, he came, talk a while, and asked me to try and get out of bed myself and walk around the room. Everyone in the room was like STUN! Me as well, so is the doctor who came along with my surgeon. Hmm, then it was all eyes on me. First task was to trY to sit up. It was OMTTTT! The doctor tried to lend a hand but was stopped by my surgeon. Ok~ then I tahan tahan, JYJY and YEAH! I DID IT! Even I think it’s a miracle. WOW~ and all the credits goes to the team of wonderful doctors and those who prayed for me. Thank you thank you~ My surgeon then said, good good, exercise etc. He even joked that I could go shopping the following day. He told me to eat more, so that my organs can get to work. Every day, the cardiologist would come to check on me while my surgeon was too busy to come visit. But he did make regular phone calls to the nurses to ask about my condition. Then one day when he had the chance he came and visit. He told me I’m making good progress and told me I could return to Singapore. He told me to photocopy my operation documents and give it to Singapore. I was thinking, how nice he is to actually share his “secret” to those ignorant human beings of Singapore, who doesn’t want to admit defeat, oways claming best. Arghhhhh! I’m not nice, I don’t even plan to give those documents to Singapore, who knows one day, when Singapore happen to have another my case, they use it and claim it theirs. ARGHHHHH! & another thing that touched me was, my surgeon actually told me to not come back to Bangkok, don’t spend all those money flying here and there just for him to check for 5 minutes. Its like oh my, he wasn’t paid for operating on multiple patients and yet he spare a thought for us. Asking us to save up those money, save the time and energy. Do Singapore do that? NO!!!! NO! NO!!!! Singapore would make you come back for regular checkups to hear the same old thing, and then spend 50+ bucks when nothing is really done, I wasn’t advise, instead, I was demoralized! Whoo~ that rhythms. Back to my surgeon, ok like I said he wasn’t paid. I was wondering how he survive so this is just my guess. He is old and very well respected person. Best in the hospital stated by many doctors and hospital frequents. He teaches, gives lecture so maybe this is how he earn a living. Private hospitals hire him as well, since like his da best and all but yet he spend most of his time in the govt hospital which doesn’t pay him much. He is like freakin busy but yet he doesn’t seem to be tired at his current age. He is 60+ btw. I think I’m really lucky to have such a person curing me and saving my life. Thank you very much. I have been venting out my anger, and made you suffer by reading such a long passage. But seriously, sometimes thinking about all these things just make me hate Singapore so much. The only thing that make me want to love Singapore is my home. I think the only thing Singapore is missing would be passion. Hold on, hmm maybe they have passion, passion to make money and that’s it. Not passion for their jobs! They are just making use of their occupation to get closer to the numbers that follow behind the dollar sign. Argggggh. All that’s mentioned above might change your concept about Singapore and bla bla because of my criticisms and personal opinion. It might even gain your sympathy but don’t mind it. Right now I might just wanna save my own ass from getting behind bars. So ya. Think about the big picture and don’t compare this and that. Its not about how bad Singapore is or, how good is the doctor who saved my life, its about getting things done the right way. But its usually easier said than done. Like I oways wanted to remove all these grandmother stories but I always end up with long compositions. I think after reading this, if you actually read everything, its better that you analyze, observe things your own, because I might be wrong. No one is perfect~ but to me I’ll still stay thinking tt way. I’m still curious did Singapore actually tried to cure me?
phew~~~ finally right? did u really read?~
1:29:00 AM
i love being A KID!
20100115
1:46:00 AM
HAPPY NEW YEARRR
20100101
HAPPY NEW YEARRR
everybodyyyyy~~~
- - -
1st picture of 2010. how beautiful isnt? went to 二舅's hm for new year as well. hmm it isnt as happening as Christmas or last year's. so its just another day for me. 2009 just went pass TOO QUICKLY! recap~
- killer industrial attachment at MIND DEATH!
- graduated from NYP
- travel here & there~
- got my major opt done
- recovering from the opt
- AWESOME SHOPPING AT THAILAND!
- traveling here n there again.
- not forgetting MIA-ing for some to say
- prayed at China! totally loving the experience
- applied for job
- got the job
- end of story.
hmm it doesnt sound SO DAMN HAPPENING! but overall i had a wonderful year, i think. if i dont dive into those negative events~ haha! hope its a good year for you~ tc people!
4:49:00 PM
very merrrrrry christmas
20091225
2:50:00 AM
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